The same old things

I think its just me. I ask myself very often. Do i really want to lead? Can i really lead? Everytime i think about these alone, i would say yes of course. But how? Seriously how? I dont know what i am suppose to do.. I dont know how can i improve the situation. I just dont know anything to make a good leader. I get angry with myself, why do i always hide behind the rest, why do i always tell myself something and do another, why do i just not have the courage to speak up and take the lead? I am in a dilemma. I get discouraged everytime i try to lead because there are people who are more willing and can do better. I lose motivation everytime someone rejects or ignore me. I just dont know how i can push myself anymore. I know i can do a better job than this, but i dont know if i have the courage or even the heart to. Frankly speaking, many at times, i do not even know whats holding me back from speaking my mind, maybe i just dont want to mess up the situation even more. Or perhaps thats just a nice way of saying: i cant be bothered anymore because i know no one will ever listen. A heart is what a leader needs. This is what i feel like ive lost while leading, a heart to truly serve. I may have different ideal but what i want to do ultimately is to make things better by bringing everyone together and by listening to everyone. Too idealistic you may say, but why not? If you already have a leader who speaks to the crowd, looks forward, and looks at things in the most analytical way(or so he thinks) , why cant we have another leader who keeps quiet and just help everyone behind and make sure no one is neglected? A navigator and a sweeper. I think that only when everyone knows that they are heard and invovled will they feel like they truly belong. However, despite all this thoughts, under the pressure of peers and teachers, i really cant pull this off. I am not as 'noble' as what i think. But what i want to bring together is not just individual dancers, but a family that will seek comfort and support from each other in hard times. I just really dont know where to start and how to start because people simply do not think the same way. 4years and counting, will this mindset ever be possible to change? Will they ever understand that we need to do things together because we have to be one. Its just so hard and complicated. Different people, different concerns and different ways of treating things. If everyone is moving so fast, why cant i be the one who slows down and listens and make sure no one gets left out? I strongly and truly believes, Improvement is not merely moving towards the better, but moving towards the better, together. It isnt gonna be easy. I dont know whether i can do it or not. I will not know if i dont try, but do i even dare to try again? I fear not.